There’s someone in my life I’ve struggled to forgive, wrestled with my own bouts of criticism, condemnation and frustration toward. It’s not a pretty thing to know you have unkind feelings toward someone. It’s not who I want to be. I want to be Christ-like, loving and forgiving. Gritting my teeth and forcing myself to be that way doesn’t quite seem like the same thing.
Jesus never seemed to be straining to forgive, never had to bite his lip and fight back a nasty comment. Those ugly dark things weren’t inside Him to begin with. It dawned on me that if I could see this other person through Christ’s eyes, perhaps I could have those natural feelings of unconditional love and compassion. Maybe the irritation would melt away and be replaced with God’s love.
This morning I woke early and decided to use the time in those peaceful quiet hours to ask the Lord for the ability to see this person through His eyes. In my mind, He took me to a beautiful beach and had me take a seat on a log facing the crashing waves. He knelt in front of me, His hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eye. His were filled with infinite compassion and understanding.
He let me express the deepest desires of my heart — who I long to be, the type of person I want to be, free of these negative emotions, free to escape this cage I feel like I’m living in. It’s as if there’s this passionate ball of love and light that’s crying to break free and express herself but she keeps bumping up against negative limitations.
“If this person wasn’t in my life,” I heard myself telling Him, “I could be a good person.”
I could see the twinkle in His eye and knew immediately how foolish that statement was. It isn’t this person “making me have bad thoughts.” The propensity to be critical, condemning and judgmental is already there.
This person is in my life to give me a chance to overcome these feelings. They are a gift to help me eliminate the black blobs that are stuck to my glowing ball of light.
“How do I get rid of this negativity? Please take these thoughts and feelings away from me,” I pleaded. “Can I just give them to you? I would give away all my sins to know your thoughts, to be as loving as You are.”
Again I asked to see this person through Christ’s eyes. If there were some way to do that, perhaps all the resentment and bitterness would melt away.
At that moment, a situation from my past when I’d done something particularly bad came to mind. All the feelings of guilt and shame returned. It was a sin I’d already repented of, but the memory returned. After that event I’d felt despair and depression for quite some time. It was a dark time for me that I had no desire to revisit.
“That,” Christ explained, “Is how {this person} feels — all the time.”
“Oh my, really?” I remembered how immobilized I felt in that period of my life. I remembered feeling worthless, despondent and as if there was no use trying to do anything. It was a horrible, debilitating feeling.
“You experienced this for a short season until you received My forgiveness. Imagine it stretching on for years. What might you have become?”
I then understood how and why this person acts the way they do, why they’d become contracted and limited in their abilities. Why they responded to me the way they did for so many years, and much more. All in an instant, everything became clear.
And then Christ said, “Do you want to see how I see this person?”
“Yes, I do.”
He showed me a beautiful young person, long before the mistakes had draped them in a dark heavy cloud of guilt and shame. This shining valiant individual with a future so bright and promising stood before me. And I began to weep. This was the beauty beneath all the rubble.
Instantly I felt Christ’s love for this person flowing through me, and I felt such an overwhelming need to apologize for being so blind for so long. I had belittled, condemned, judged and criticized a fallen warrior, lying helpless, bleeding on the side of the road. I had not reached forth a loving hand. I had not dressed this person’s wounds. I had not given them a hug of comfort or kindness.
All I had seen was how their actions affected me. All I saw was how my life wasn’t as ideal and beautiful as I wanted it to be — even craved and needed it to be. I was too concerned with my rights, my needs, what “I deserved.”
And then Christ’s question came, “Will you help this person?”
“I will.”
“You may not see results right away.” He cautioned. “You may never see them at all.”
“I understand.”
“It’s not about them changing. It’s about you becoming.”
“Yes, I understand, Lord. Where do I begin?”
“Why don’t you just start with a hug.”
